For you elected me when I was but a humble boy*, and I told you I would look out for you, my fellow people.GOP Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Campaigns In Michigan

But now I am a humble politician, so I will only look out for my fellow politicians.

*dog on a bench


Trick’d or treat

Why, who is that under that William Shatner mask…GASP!MichaelShatner

But, wait! OMG it’s Michael Myers underneath that!


There couldn’t possibly be anymore tricks—


Oh, it’s Piper! I guess this is a Piper post after all…but is that really Piper under there?


What kind of Scooby Doo nonsense is this?! Is Old Man Jenkins underneath that!?

Oh, wait, no. This is the end of the post.

So, uh, have a Happy Halloween Remake (2018).



Halloween EmPiporium


Are you a Halloween villain or bad guy monster? Well, come on down to the Halloween EmPiporium and pick up what YOU need for the season.

We’ve got a vast selection of drills, chainsaws, machetes, weedeaters, and more. And this month only, make sure you utilize our buy 10 get 1 free deal – you never know when you’ll need a backup!

Pipe’ Tarts with Cheese


Being the worlds traveler that Piper is, she likes to enjoy the local deli-cacies whenever somewhere new. So, now that she made it to Iowa, the first thing on her agenda was to grab a pop tart and cheese sandwich – oversized, of course.

Rowdy Piper


I have come here to chew bubblegum and wrassle. And I’m all out of bubblegum.

Gonzo Pipers

GonzoPipers copy

“We can’t stop here. This is cat country!”



“Are there any problems with your Corporation-branded goods or appliances? Is there something you would want to watch over Corporate-controlled broadcast airwaves? Is the Corporation factory-farmed food making you sick? I’m from the Corporation, and I’m here to help. Just send any complaints to #comcast customer service. It’s the only department we’ve kept since we successfully took over.”

PaPiper the Rapper


I don’t have anything clever to say about this game because I never played it. But in keeping with the theme, here’s The Jaggerz’s 1970 hit “The Rapper.”

Sean Spiper


I’ve called this press conference behind this finest faux White House podium that a  bench can make, sold exclusively through ‘The Finest Faux White House Podiums that a Bench Can Make Emporium’ on etsy, to let each and every single, individual one of you know, personally, that, yeah, we all had a good ribbing at my expense, but now, NOW, I say, who’s feeling dumb?


And who is looking better and better every day?

That’s right. Me.

Me and George Dubya.

And my announcement? The reason I’ve called this?

We’re going on tour! Everybody else seems to be going on tours, so I am happy to extend invitations to all of you. I don’t know where we’ll go or how we’ll get there, but it’s time.

Thank you.

No questions.